It seems like I've done a post called "Confused" before. Or maybe that is just the meaning of my life. And I think the word "confused" so often in the day that I can't remember thinking anything else. My life has never been like this. For the first part of my life I knew I wanted to study piano at BYU. Then I knew I wanted to give those recitals even if it killed me. I always knew I wanted to get married in the temple, have kids, and stay home with them. It's that last part that got interrupted. I didn't like it, but I new Heavenly Father wanted me to go back to school. I have doubted my decision many times, but every time I pray about I get the same answer. So for almost two years now I've known that I wanted to get my teaching certificate. Well, I almost have it and I'm so confused. I suppose I really don't have any choices yet, Firth hasn't offered me a contract of any kind. However, I don't know if I even want to work in Firth, or anywhere for that matter. My mind changes almost daily. I dream of starting charter schools, research charter schools, and then the next day I dream of homeschooling my kids with an arts based curriculum. I go back and forth all the time. Then occassionally I think, well maybe this could work out in Firth. Of course it would have to be better if I was getting paid.
All of that said, today I'm tired, I just had a fight with my tired husband and it feels like there is no peace in our life. I'm learning exactly why the Lord wants the mother in the home. It's not easy being at home, however, it's more peaceful. A lot more peaceful, a lot less stressful. I realize I am working full time, and I have been hoping for a part time job, but I now think that it wouldn't be that different in the long run. And the idea would be to build the program and eventually be full time when Gracie is in school. I don't know if working is for me. I have seriously learned to appreciate what my husband has been going through everyday ever since we got married. Working to me is--not having the choice who you see everyday. Working is dealing with selfish people that lie, and are only looking out for themselves (yet like to appear they are looking out for you). Working has influenced me in bad ways. For the first time in my life there are people I really don't like, and people I don't trust. People I used to love, I have learned talk out of both sides of their mouth and say what people want to hear, not what really is. Even though I only live in Firth, it is still the world, and I don't know if I want to be in it. I have become negative, hateful, and angry. I have never been those things before. I have become a cynic.
So my question is "Am I suffering from 'the other side is greener' syndrome?" Or am a seeing things clearly? If I went back home, full time, would I sink back into my depression that I've been fighting for years, but not the last two? I honestly don't have time to get depressed right now. My mind is constantly thinking of everything I have to do. It doesn't have time to think about depressing things. But then, I don't have enough time to create peace, or atleast allow peace to enter my home. Is it possible to achieve balance?
I went to the temple last Saturday. I accidentally went to the Spanish session. Whoops! They had monitors with the English words on it. I went praying to know why I had to go back to school. I was praying and begging and pleading and I looked up at the monitor and I saw, "I know not save the Lord commanded it." It was as if those words were in flashing neon lights. So once again I know I am doing the right thing.
I don't know what to pray for anymore. It seems like I don't even know how to pray.
On lighter note, I lost 4 pounds last week. So miracles still happen everyday, even to me.
Love you all.
7 comments:
Oh Rebecca. I'm so sorry that life is so stressful right now. Just know that I totally look up to you and think you are so amazing for doing this, simply because the Lord commanded you to. You recognized prompting and followed it. That takes an amazing, righteous, spiritual and strong woman. However, it is still rough! I wish I could help. Is there any time soon that you could come to Rexburg, or I could go to Firth? We could have a girls day- or we could just do normal sunday. Watch girly movies, talk, cook, whatever you want! I know you are busy, but if you do have any time I would LOVE to:) I love you so much! You have been such an amazing example to me my whole life. I'm so grateful you're my sister. Hang in there!!!
Rebecca, I love you. Could it be that you were supposed to do this so your girls could witness a college education goal, and see that it's hard, but that it's a good thing? Could it also be that if you didn't go to school you would have gotten even more depressed, and things would have really gotten out of hand? But this saved you? Maybe you will need things here and there through out your life- projects, to get you out of depression. OR- maybe you are meant to do a charter school, and Satan is just trying to ruin it for you, trying to take the enjoyment out of it. It will be such a wonderful thing to say that you have a masters. I think that you are a very strong person. It is very hard for me to go to school with NO children, I really don't know how you do it. It is truly a miracle. I am sorry that you have so much confusion in your life, I wish I could take it away. Is it possible to get your masters, and then think about why or what you're going to do next? Not worry about why, and when, but just focus on getting the masters and then the "what". I love you, I am so sorry things are ruff right now. I love you.
Wow! I have so many thoughts. First you are as your sisters have said, an amazing human being. You are faithful and very accomplished. I truly think the Lord has blessed you to be able to do all that you have done. I think it will come to you in time why and what reason the Lord has asked you to do this. It could be all or one of the reasons Amy stated. It could also be to help you appreciate Darin and all that he does for your family. I think we tend to think our husbands have it easier. It could be to teach you that life is not always greener on the other side of the fence. We often don't learn to be happy where we are until we experience what it is like on the other side. Maybe you won't teach at all and this is a tool of Heavenly Father to teach you what a blessing it is to be at home. Maybe it is to learn some tools you will need in serving Him someday. One thing is for sure, the Lord never asks us to do something for nothing. He usually does things for many lessons. He usually takes an experience and teaches as many people as possible and the person himself as many things possible that He can. So as time goes by the Lord will reveal to you why He has asked you to do this. Your gratitude will be great! I have learned that when I am confused it is because the experience the Lord wants me to learn isn't fully realized yet. It takes time to learn everything, and we need to be ready for the lesson. One time when we were going to buy a piece of property, I was very confused, usually that means we shouldn't by it. But as time went on I realized it was that I didn't have all the information I needed to know, that it was a good deal and that we should do it. I realized that when we are confused we don't have all the info yet. I needed to feel good about the purchase, to have no doubts, I couldn't do that without the information that came later. So to make a long thought short, give the Lord time to teach you what He wants, ask Him in your prayers to help you learn what he is trying to teach you, not what he wants you to do. He will tell you what he wants you to do when the time is right. You will only find peace when you accept that. It is not a lack of faith to just move forward w/o asking why you are moving forward, it is a lack of faith to want the answer before the Lord is ready to give it to us. So "wait upon the Lord" He will tell you when he is good and ready. In the meantime do the best you can and take joy in that you are doing what the Lord has asked you. Focus on those "sweet" children of God you teaching and not on the adults that have failed you in their deceit. You have said you enjoy and feel good about what you are doing with the kids, take Joy in the moment and let time pass, you will come to know what the Lord wants of you! I love and admire you greatly!!! Thanks for the tip with wws today I will let you know how it goes, and share it with my members tomorrow!
Oh My Little Rebecca, first born child of your mom and my first grandchild. You have always been so special to me and I think you are the most wonderful and the most beautiful daughter and granddaughter, mother, wife, and sister. Everyone I know loves and admires you. I know that you will figure all of these things out and be confused no more, as for peace there is precious little of that to be found at the present time.I think we are all confused and concerned with the world and you are out in the world. There is a saying in the business world, and I have been in it a few times. Politics in the schools would be much the same. The saying is CYA Meaning to cover your own A-- at all times and that is what most people do sadly, and if that means lying to save themselves, that is exactly what they do. If you are in the way then you have to get out of the way or they will run over you to save their own butts. Unfortunatly that is the way of the world and when we are in our homes we have and find peace because we love each other, and the Lord, so our homes become a haven for all who live there. I know that your home is that way, even tho you feel unsettled right now the spirit is there. You are almost to the point of graduation, so hang in and you'll have the answers when the Lord is ready, as your mom says wait upon Him. Old Satan is trying to work on you to get you to give in, and you can't let him win. Pray and read your scriptures, even if only one or two verses, just do it as Pres. Kimball used to say. Take joy in small things for it is out of small things that the Lord makes great things. So look at all of the postives, and the blessings, look at the special people in your life and love all things and you will find the peace that you seek. Remember that we all love you and most of all that our Father in Heaven loves you, you are special and you are HIS. Granny Biggs used to say,"when life gets tough, the tough get going" I say you go girl. I love you grandma
Dear Rebecca,
Sometimes it is not given to us to know why the Lord does what he does. It is given to us to do what the Lord asks. In the very early days of the church when Joseph Smith was in Kirtland, Ohio he knew about how the saints were being persecuted back in Missouri and he went to the Lord in prayer and asked what he should do to help them. Our dear brother Joseph received a revelation that told him to personally go and take a group of LDS men with him and travel 1,000 miles all the way back to Missouri to help the saints. (This is known in church history as Zions Camp). They walked about 35 miles a day and suffered fatigue, hunger, and sickness. At the end of their thousand mile journey, they were commanded by the Lord to not fight the mobs in Missouri. They ended up not even helping the saints in Missouri. They turned around and came home. Some wondered what was the purpose in so much effort put forth for nothing. As it turned out, that experience gave the prophet an opportunity to see some of the latter day saint men complain that the trip was too hard, and some men were mad at the end when the Lord did not allow them to attack the mobs in Missouri. There were other men, however, that the prophet Joseph Smith noticed were willing to sacrifice, be faithful, not complain, and learn obedience. It was from this group that the prophet chose the leaders of the church. To quote:
"In February 1835, five months after the camp was disbanded, the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and the First Quorum of the Seventy were organized. Nine of the Twelve Apostles and all 70 members of the Quorum of the Seventy had served in Zion’s Camp. Speaking of how the camp helped prepare these leaders, Joseph Smith said:
“Brethren, some of you are angry with me, because you did not fight in Missouri; but let me tell you, God did not want you to fight. He could not organize His kingdom with twelve men to open the Gospel door to the nations of the earth, and with seventy men under their direction to follow in their tracks, unless He took them from a body of men who had offered their lives, and who had made as great a sacrifice as did Abraham” (History of the Church, 2:182)."
Rebecca, you are a faithful and obedient daughter of our Heavenly Father. One of my favorite hymns says: Lead kindly light amid the encircling gloom. Lead thou me on. Keep thou my feet. I do not ask to see the distant scene. One step enough for me.
I love you.
Dad
Rebecca, I love you. I need to call you. I'm sorry life is hard right now. It will get better. You lost four pounds! WOW!!! That is AWESOME!! Especially when you're stressed! Even more impressive! I'm glad you found an answer. Before I got to the end of your post I was thinking, "I'm going to tell her- Rebecca, you don't have to know why." That part doesn't matter as much. It might help your sanity, but I guess that's the challenge- isn't it? The thing is, you HAVE gained appreciation for people who DO work, you appreciate staying at home more, you HAVEN'T been depressed the last 2 years- that is good too, even if life has been crazy. These are good things. They might seem small, but they will last. You don't know what the Lord knows, you don't know the big picture. Maybe you'll teach in 10 years, maybe you'll teach in 5, or never. You're getting it done now and only the Lord knows why and soon it will be over. You'll know the next step when it comes. I love you.
I think you've been confused long enough now Rebecca. NEW POST!
Post a Comment