Confused

It seems like I've done a post called "Confused" before. Or maybe that is just the meaning of my life. And I think the word "confused" so often in the day that I can't remember thinking anything else. My life has never been like this. For the first part of my life I knew I wanted to study piano at BYU. Then I knew I wanted to give those recitals even if it killed me. I always knew I wanted to get married in the temple, have kids, and stay home with them. It's that last part that got interrupted. I didn't like it, but I new Heavenly Father wanted me to go back to school. I have doubted my decision many times, but every time I pray about I get the same answer. So for almost two years now I've known that I wanted to get my teaching certificate. Well, I almost have it and I'm so confused. I suppose I really don't have any choices yet, Firth hasn't offered me a contract of any kind. However, I don't know if I even want to work in Firth, or anywhere for that matter. My mind changes almost daily. I dream of starting charter schools, research charter schools, and then the next day I dream of homeschooling my kids with an arts based curriculum. I go back and forth all the time. Then occassionally I think, well maybe this could work out in Firth. Of course it would have to be better if I was getting paid.

All of that said, today I'm tired, I just had a fight with my tired husband and it feels like there is no peace in our life. I'm learning exactly why the Lord wants the mother in the home. It's not easy being at home, however, it's more peaceful. A lot more peaceful, a lot less stressful. I realize I am working full time, and I have been hoping for a part time job, but I now think that it wouldn't be that different in the long run. And the idea would be to build the program and eventually be full time when Gracie is in school. I don't know if working is for me. I have seriously learned to appreciate what my husband has been going through everyday ever since we got married. Working to me is--not having the choice who you see everyday. Working is dealing with selfish people that lie, and are only looking out for themselves (yet like to appear they are looking out for you). Working has influenced me in bad ways. For the first time in my life there are people I really don't like, and people I don't trust. People I used to love, I have learned talk out of both sides of their mouth and say what people want to hear, not what really is. Even though I only live in Firth, it is still the world, and I don't know if I want to be in it. I have become negative, hateful, and angry. I have never been those things before. I have become a cynic.

So my question is "Am I suffering from 'the other side is greener' syndrome?" Or am a seeing things clearly? If I went back home, full time, would I sink back into my depression that I've been fighting for years, but not the last two? I honestly don't have time to get depressed right now. My mind is constantly thinking of everything I have to do. It doesn't have time to think about depressing things. But then, I don't have enough time to create peace, or atleast allow peace to enter my home. Is it possible to achieve balance?

I went to the temple last Saturday. I accidentally went to the Spanish session. Whoops! They had monitors with the English words on it. I went praying to know why I had to go back to school. I was praying and begging and pleading and I looked up at the monitor and I saw, "I know not save the Lord commanded it." It was as if those words were in flashing neon lights. So once again I know I am doing the right thing.

I don't know what to pray for anymore. It seems like I don't even know how to pray.

On lighter note, I lost 4 pounds last week. So miracles still happen everyday, even to me.

Love you all.